AN ARSE FULL OF CRISPS: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT MEANT ENGLAND COULD WIN THE WORLD CUP?
Nov 30, 2022
And you didn’t disappoint.
Oh boy, did you not disappoint.
SHOW US YOUR BALLSIn all fairness, we should have seen this one coming (home?). It seems that there’s nothing that England fans wouldn’t do if it meant that they could see their team finally cast off the shackles of ‘66.
Questionable tattoos, snogging Bo-Jo, and spontaneous combustion due to holding in farts were just some of the responses that we got. Makes you proud to be English, doesn’t it?
* wipes away a tear with a teabag *
POST-MATCH ANALYSISWe eased people in slowly - or so we thought. Only 48% of voters said they would shave their heads if it meant England could win the World Cup. Really? Most people would do that on a Friday night out at 2 am!
D minus: must try harder.
Seems like there aren’t many Neil Diamond fans out there either. Only 36% of you would be prepared to listen to nothing but Sweet Caroline for the rest of your lives if it meant Harry Kane could hold that elusive trophy aloft.
Just for that, we’re going to give you an earworm for the rest of the day. C’mon, you know the words, ‘Haaaaaands, touching haaaaaands, reaching out…’
We were starting to get a bit despondent. I mean, these were supposed to be England fans - the Barmy Army! But then it came to the more extreme stuff and our faith in humanity was restored.
Or should that be reversed?
It seems that fewer people would be willing to eat a Carolina Reaper without anything to wash it down (41%) than cut-throat shave their pubes in a dinghy on Lake Windermere during high winds whilst Keith Lemon plays the national anthem through a kazoo (43%).
Make of that what you will.
Perhaps even more disturbingly, 24% of you said that you’d be willing to wear a wig made of pubes collected from the English locker room plug-hole on your wedding day if it meant that England would win the World Cup.
Moving on swiftly…
ENGLAND ‘TIL I DIEWhich brings us very neatly (trimmed) to your own suggestions of what you’d be prepared to do.
You might want to sit down before reading some of these.
- I'd snog Boris Johnson
- I would promise not to fart for a day. I could actually EXPLODE 🤯
- Get naked, put a mouse trap on my balls, and run through a nest of cobras, blindfolded
- I would show my bare arse through Gary Lineker’s bedroom window with a packet of Walkers crisps in the crack!
- Legally change my name to Three Lions
- I wud give up smoking n drinking forever
JULES RIMET STILL GLEAMING
Perhaps the most disturbing claim that we received, though, was this one:
‘I’d never shave my balls again.’
Mate, we applaud your commitment to The Beautiful Game but there’s no need to go that far! Not when BALLS™ trimmers can make your tackle smoother than Pierluigi Collina’s head without any fear of nicks, cuts, or rashes.
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BACK OF THE NET!Thanks to all who took part in the survey. Remember, it’s the taking part, not the winning, that counts.
As the England men’s football team know all too well…