We recently ran a survey to ask what lengths you would go to if it meant that England could win the World Cup. You came up with some truly wacky suggestions but we knew to take a lot of them with a pinch of salt (especially the Walkers crisps suggestion).
However, we’ve been in contact with one woman who says that her man can beat the lot.
The World Cup kicked off in spectacular fashion in Al Bayt Stadium, Al Khor on November 18th, setting in motion a series of events where 32 teams would play a combined total of 48 matches across 29 days and 5 cities, culminating in the final on December 18th.
That works out to a whopping 5,760 hours of regular-time football.
And as the games have gone on we’ve realised that there’s probably been just as much extra time played…
So spare a thought for our unfortunate lady who says that her boyfriend has refused to shower and shave his Nether(land) regions since the tournament began. 🤢
But, why? We hear you ask! Well, it turns out that this chap is so engrossed in the footy that personal hygiene has taken something of a backseat.
And so has his relationship.
Footballers are a notoriously superstitious lot and have been known to wear lucky underpants, kiss their teammate’s bald heads, and only wear certain numbers if they think it will help them win. Hell, Gazza used to, ahem, ‘cup’, Les Ferdinand before pulling on an England shirt!
And that's where things started for our man. Forgoing his traditional shower so he could watch the first England game, England subsequently drubbed Iran 6-2. This got our man thinking (and stinking), as he’s refused to shower and shave his tackle since for fear of cursing the Three Lions.
Perhaps understandably, his Mrs is a bit non-plussed.
With eyes watering (perhaps because of sadness, perhaps because of the pungent smell wafting from the boyfriend-shaped dent in her couch), she tells us that prior to the World Cup her man was a regular James Bond; dapper, debonair, de-fuzzed.
‘He used to take such good care of himself,’ she says. ‘Now, he’d rather watch a load of blokes kick a bag of wind around for an hour and a half than spend time with me. And as for the stink! I can’t stand to be near him because he smells like a bag of rubbish that’s gone off… I just don’t get it?’
We mention that the World Cup finishes the week before Christmas so he’s got plenty of time to get himself match-fit for the festive season.
‘You’re joking,’ she snorts, ‘I don’t think a weed whacker would shift what’s down there.’
We think we know what she should ask Santa for this Christmas (who said a new boyfriend?)
No, a BALLS™ trimmer V2 will glide through that matted undergrowth faster than 9 billion helpings of mince pies and brandy goes through Papa Noel on Christmas Day. That unholy whiff can soon be banished to days of yesteryear too with BALLS™ Cleanse and Deodorize lotion. With hints of rosemary, peppermint, and tea tree, our man’s bag of nuts will smell truly festive and he and his good lady can get back to having a bit of falalalalalalalala.
What do you think? Should he hairy, sorry, BURY, the hatchet with his good lady and give his nads a quick one-two with a BALLS™ trimmer, or is he within his rights to stink the place up if it means football can finally come home? Let us know your thoughts on our Facebook or Twitter pages.
